Mom 4 Biz

What happens to kids who come from broken homes? It’s a good question to ask, and although I’m certain as I’m writing this that there is some study, somewhere out there that will tell you that if you’ve broken up your home, your child is doomed to a life of brokenness, pain and suffering because of your choice. But, I’m going to tell you something different.

Your child is NOT doomed to failure, a life of brokenness, and suffering because of your choice, unless you continue to make choices that take both you and your children down a road of suffering and pain. Your child, just like every other child born on this planet was intended for success, achievement and greatness. Your child can have greatness if you and your child choose greatness to be a part of his or her life.

I speak this from experience. I have four children and my home has been broken. When my husband left, he abandoned us and never once looked back. His desire for family had been false when we married, he’d said he wanted children, because he knew all the right things to say to “catch a wife”. But when it came right down to what he wanted, it wasn’t a family. He wanted the convenience of a family who was available to him when HE wanted to be there, a family that made no demands on his time, didn’t need his money and didn’t need him around, but was willing to be what he wanted when he wanted them.

After we’d been separated for quite some time, he stopped by to visit some friends and showed them a family photo he carried in his wallet. The photo shoot had been scheduled so he could be there too. But, he never showed up. The photos were shot with just me and the kids. And that’s the photo he was showing off to our friends. His family, the one where he wasn’t part of our lives, because he chose not to be.

He left more than eight years ago and the kids haven’t seen him since, except for a few incidental sitings at the local stores. They want nothing to do with him, because he abandoned them. On one occasion, he visited a store where my daughter worked and tried to talk to her, she called a different clerk to wait on him and left him to the other clerk.  She went back to work. “He didn’t know me and didn’t want me, when I needed a Dad. Now, I don’t need him, and I don’t want him coming and going from my life as he pleases, that just isn’t what good Dad’s do.” She said in one long discussion about him. “I can’t trust him not to up and leave again, because he’s already proven he’s untrustworthy.”

One issue that comes up from broken homes is when children aren’t given an option to have their own boundaries and express them.

Children must be able to say, this is my space and you’re not welcome here. On occasion, they need to be able to say this to an adult, a parent, if necessary, and be heard because they are in control of their lives. It’s an important concept that children need to learn at a very young age. They’re in control of their own destiny and that means they can control the relationships around them.

This doesn’t mean they don’t have boundaries or limitations within which they must excel. But it does mean that once those boundaries are met, they get a say in their future.

Children must understand that their own limitations are fundamental and they will change as they become mature enough to handle greater freedom.

As children earn more and more privilege, it is imperative that they realize these freedoms are due to their ability to handle them and not simply because they’re given privileges with no responsibilities. One of the greatest injustices I see done to children is the benefit of privileges with no responsibilities. When children get to do something new and there’s no responsibility tied to that privilege, they lose the ability to grow under their own power. They lose their own initiative to become a greater person because it means something. In short, they become irresponsible for their own choices.

Children must understand they are responsible for the privileges they receive.

Children must realize that family is a choice that is irrevocable.  Once you CHOOSE to have a family, you can’t walk away, you can’t leave, and you can’t abandon your family.

Male or female, I believe this one concept, a basic precept of life, is more important than any other precept your child can EVER learn. If you choose TO HAVE SEX a child may be the result of your choice. Abortion is not an option. Abandonment is not an option. You made the choice, the responsibility is yours. No matter what the other person chooses to do, you’ve chosen to become a parent, the moment you choose to participate in a sexual relationship. You can’t ever unchoose that choice, and you can’t undo that decision. You’ve just right then chosen to take responsibility for another being, if indeed that being comes into existence. If the other person chooses to abort, you’ve participated in the murder of that child you helped to conceive – even if you participated unknowingly in the act of abortion, because you CHOSE to have sex with that person.

I’ve often heard parents say, “My son didn’t choose to abort that baby, the girl did, and he’s now free to go and live his life.” And my answer to them is, “No, your son will never again be free. He knows in his heart of hearts that he chose to commit an act that may have resulted in a child. By committing that act, he made a choice that is lasting, life long and bares responsibility. He chose to make a child. Whether or not there is a child, he took on the responsibility of making the choice, as did the girl. He’s NOT free. He’ll answer for the choice at some point, and ultimately he’ll have to face his choices and the responsibility that comes with them.”

Children from broken homes can become everything they want to be, and more.

If the parent who is left steps up and takes the responsibility for the lives of their children, he or she can make the difference in how the child sees themselves. How much more important is your child than your job? Than your friends? Than your relationships? Are you willing to make your child a priority?

I’m not saying you have to put your life on hold or stop having friends, dating and working toward your goals. But, I am saying that in the process of working toward your goals, dating and having friends, your children MUST know that they come first. There may be times when you have to say, “Because I love you, I have to go to work and you’ll have to ride to the event with a friend, or Grandma, or someone else.” or there may even be times when you tell your child, “No you can’t participate in that event, because we can’t afford to put you in that activity.” Never mislead your children and NEVER, EVER tell them they can have something for nothing. Life isn’t like that, there’s work to be done.

Kids from broken homes can thrive if their parents are willing to stand their ground, take a higher road and be the responsible parent, even when they’re alone. This is true of families that are not broken as well. Sometimes you have to say NO, and mean it.